Some Good Old Fashioned Validation | Amy Winchester, MA, LPC

Last week, noted psychiatrist Dr. Robert Spitzer wrote an apology letter to the LGB community for his efforts to show that ?reparative therapy? (which supposedly makes you straight) could actually work with people who desired to change their sexual orientation. The letter was published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, the same journal in which his original study was published in 2001. The New York Times published an article about Spitzer and his apology last week, highlighting the fact that Spitzer was originally one of the clinicians responsible for de-classifying homosexuality as a mental disorder in the 1970s. Yet with the advent of reparative therapy, Spitzer became curious if it actually worked. With this question in mind, he conducted his now infamous study. Spitzer did cite the caveat that he didn?t ever believe gay and lesbian people should have to change their orientation if they didn?t want to. However, the way this study would be used by homophobic organizations, to prove a point, and the far-reaching social fallout of the study are disturbing, to say the least.

The myths may always be there. And the desire to justify, or to ?figure out,? why some people are gay, lesbian, or bisexual, will likely always fuel some portion of the population?s creative endeavors. I?ve been thinking a lot about some of these myths and ?explanations? lately. They?re funny. Yet I?ve also been thinking about how some of my work as a therapist involves using these explanations to tease apart assumptions and social constructs from reality so that I can help my clients find a sense of normalcy, and perhaps even a sense of empowerment. Some of the studies about gay and lesbian relationships can be helpful for this reason, and also for the very simple act of de-bunking what the majority thinks to be true.

The first study I?ll talk about is one called ?What?s the Confusion About Fusion?? published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy in October 2010. The title is clever, and if you?re a lesbian reading this you probably know exactly what they?re talking about. You probably know what they?re talking about even if you?re straight. I?ll cue in the joke about lesbians here: What do lesbians do on a 2^nd date? Rent a U-Haul.

What these researchers studied was the idea of negative and positive closeness in lesbian relationships, and the contributing factors to these. Negative closeness refers to an invasive form of closeness, whereas positive closeness refers to a healthy level of intimacy. The context of this study is important, because there has been a very provocative myth generated for a long time that lesbian relationships are defined by enmeshment, or a lack of differentiation, which is unhealthy (the not-so-subtle message here is that lesbian relationships are unhealthy). Before you figured out that the Bobbsey Twins were actually a boy and a girl, they were the perfect mascot for this myth. There were some logical explanations for this idea, namely that having to live a life in which a couple?s lifestyle is stigmatized, where there is little social support, and where self-esteem is a problem, a couple seeks safety and support only via the relationship instead of from multiple areas of life, which isolates and fuses the couple. This explanation makes sense, but it?s actually not true. The study showed that the factors that contributed most to healthy and unhealthy relationships were attachment style and out-ness (the degree to which a person was comfortably out in their lives). This means that a couple that experiences a healthy level of closeness in their relationship likely has two people who have a more secure attachment style and who are more comfortable with showing affection with each other. More importantly, they found that there is a relative degree of closeness in these lesbian relationships that is better tolerated than it would be in heterosexual relationships. So, women may value closeness in relationships, and seek it out, more than men do.

The big deal here is a point that I?ve seen be made in my practice with gay, lesbian, and straight couples: it doesn?t matter what your orientation is; you can be in a heterosexual relationship and feel that your partner is relying on you for too much, or you can be in a same-sex relationship and feel that your partner is too distant too much of the time. But in long-term lesbian relationships, there will likely be a higher level of closeness that both women enjoy and value. Although this may not seem like a big deal, the understanding that this is normal and healthy may be important and empowering to lesbian culture.

The Gottman Institute conducted a 12-year study with gay and lesbian couples, and found some interesting distinctions (based mainly on gender differences) between opposite-sex couples and same-sex couples. Some of the important ones are:

• Gay and lesbian couples tend to have lower levels of arousal when arguing, meaning that they don?t react as strongly to each other. This ultimately points to the ability of each person to (consciously or unconsciously) soothe his or her partner in the midst of conflict.
• Lesbians were more emotionally expressive during fights, showing more anger, humor, excitement, and interest than their gay male counterparts did during arguments.
• Gay men have a harder time recovering from negativity during an argument with a partner than lesbians or opposite-sex couples.
• Gay and lesbian couples appear to be more capable of equitable communication when fighting, as evidenced by less hostility, domineering, and fear used between couples in the face of an argument.

So, what does this tell us? For one, gay and lesbian relationships are different than straight relationships in some matters. Gay and lesbian couples also have some innate sources of strength and health that come through during conflicts. Although conflict is uncomfortable no matter whom you are or what kind of relationship you?re in, it can help to know that you may be doing some things ?right? rather than feeling like you?re contributing to the downfall of the relationship. Conflict is inevitable, and what ultimately matters is how you argue with your partner. If you?re willing to listen, even when you feel wronged; if you?re willing to laugh at yourself, even when you feel vulnerable; if you?re willing to show respect for your partner, even when you feel small, you?ll be amazed at what will come out of the conflict. Instead of a battle to the death? or to somebody?s loss, you may find instead that it?s both of you who win.

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